The Old School

First of all let me start out by saying if you are easily offended, then stop reading this post now, secondly, this is a fury driven rant because I am forced to work with people who are old enough to be my parents and yet act like teenagers….

It would take me a week to shed light on the history that is the shop where I work.  Some of the civilians have worked here for decades, engrained in their mindset and unwilling to change with the times.  But, for those of you unaware, I am active duty Air Force, I have been in for over 14 years now, my job is in transportation, vehicle operations/ dispatch specifically.  But, that is just a portion of what I have to do on a daily basis.  Currently I am filling the position of shop superintendent, the number 2 guy so to speak under our chief.  I go to staff meetings, send out emails, deligate shit to people, make sure training is up to date, write evaluation reports, ensure everything is running smooth as possible.

Alright, let me say I have what I would consider a cordial relationship with a certain someone who is a retired Sergeant Major, he has been a civilian employee here for decades and knows everything that goes on.  But, he still isn’t in charge of anything except the other civilian employees, yet, he continues to take it upon himself to be the go to guy for big projects, he has the personality of a rhino, but at the same time, if you get to know the guy, he will bend over backwards to help you.  I have never been in the Army, but I have had the chance to work with them very closely while sent over to Iraq.  They operate a lot different than the Air Force, more old school in a lot of ways, and believe me this guy is the definition of old school.

The rants have been ongoing for a long time and I know I’m not the only one who thinks he is fucking dickhead.  There isn’t any other words you can use to describe the man.  I could go on about it, but I must get back to work…wouldn’t want the American taxpayers to get mad…

Meh

Well, had some much needed time off and so tomorrow I go back to the daily grind…back to the day shift, which isn’t all bad really, at least I get to have normal days off, and holidays and all that junk.  I am not really looking forward to the workload waiting for me when I do go back.  I’ve been in this situation countless times before, so it isn’t anything new to me, and I know with the proper gameplan I will be able to get things back on track.

I’m feeling meh because of this terrible kink in my neck…seemed to have come out of nowhere, yet it is almost to the point of being unbearable.  Numbness in my right thumb isn’t helping matters either.  Appointment at Bethesda is coming and I cannot wait for it…

Slowly but surely been wrapping up loose ends here as far as finishing the home improvements go, new light fixtures, switches, plugs, etc…Seems to never end.

I’m not feeling very creative today, hard enough for me to focus on typing the right letters let alone what words to use…til next time, stay true.

Balance

Real Life® can be tough.  Most people who have been around a while know this all too well.  If you don’t care to read about the drama that is my life then go ahead and stop reading please…but I feel I need to get share some things here.  Don’t worry, this isn’t anywhere near being Jerry material or anything like that and it will probably be pretty boring, but if you must, please continue.

Well, like a lot of people gaming has been something that I enjoy to do to pass the time.  You can call it a hobby, but sometimes, especially in the World of Warcraft it can become more of an obsession I guess.  I would like to think I am a person who can maintain the balance in my life, but sometimes not so much.

A little history here about me, I got married to my first wife when I was young, we were dating and she was still in high school, I was going to school for a 2 year degree in marketing, no idea there, and working part-time at a department store in Indiana.  She got pregnant with my son and of course it was unplanned.  So, I asked her to marry me and we wed and moved into a trailer cause it was pretty much all we could afford at the time, she got a job at the gas station and I ended up dropping out of school and working full-time at Wal-mart (the devil).

Fast forward about 2 years and I decided I needed to do something else with my life, so I went and seen the Air Force recruiter and the local carpenters union and I guess the Air Force wanted me more so I joined up.

Fast forward another year and my daughter is born while we are at Ellsworth AFB, South Dakota.  The next year I go to Saudi Arabia for a 90 day deployment only to realize the last month I am there that she has been working at a bar and seeing guys…

I come home and she has moved in with her now husband in an apartment in town and about 10 months later the divorce is final.  He is active duty also, they got orders and moved to New Jersey taking the kids.  It was rough, but I managed.  I was single for a while and I put in for some orders to get out of there, too many memories and all that.  The divorce was one of those cheap no contest divorces and so being naive I didn’t even think about the visitation part of all it (mistake).

Well fast forward to 2003, I put in to get orders out to the east coast so I could see my kids on a more regular schedule and so we moved to Andrews AFB, MD.  My kids are only 100 miles away up state.  After many attempts at setting up at least a monthly visit for the kids to come stay for the weekend, I get fed up after a summer comes and I don’t get to see them for the break at all…so find a lawyer, pay out the fucking ass to setup what should have been done 10 damn years ago…at the same time the ex decided to go ahead and raise the child support, which is her right, so that doubles every month, then there is all the drama that she brings and it is like pulling teeth just to have her agree that the kids can come one weekend a month to visit.  About 6 months go by and now they move back to Indiana…so here I am again…and I am past the point of giving a shit really.  I have been depressed and angry and nothing can change it.

Everyone has their opinions and thoughts, but nothing can change how I feel about this whole mess.  On top of that I don’t know how long my marriage is going to last, things are just slowly falling apart…

So, where is the balance in all of this?

I find myself living in the World of Warcaft as a way to escape all of this shit, is it healthy? probably not, but it’s the only thing that seems to keep me sane.  I feel so terrible that I have failed not only my children but my wife and myself…

I have an appointment at the end of the month to talk to the doc, we shall see how that goes…until then

Quiet Hours

Sometimes when I am awake at night, usually between 1 am and 5 am and everything is dark and quiet I just sit and take it all in.  The small hours as some call them, they are the time when things are asleep and dreams are being dreamt.  The time when everything in the world takes the time to rejuvenate and prepare for the next day ahead.

I enjoy these quiet times, maybe I have some sort of yearning for living in a dark quiet cave all alone or something, but I find myself spending more time in my basement, it is mostly finished and there is furniture, a bathroom, my computer of course and other things.  I like to turn them all off and sit in the dark and let it consume me.

When I was a kid I was terrified of the dark, or more appropriately, what was hiding in the dark.  But now I feel like I belong in it.

It sounds really strange as I write this, I am sure if I had any kind of psychology knowledge I might be able to describe this feeling better…

My dream job

Would have to be something that doesn’t require me to sit at a desk from 9 to 5, I don’t have a boss asking me to do menial crap that requires the intelligence of a rock to get done.  I don’t want to have to sweat when I go to work, unless I choose to of course…  I don’t want to have anyone working for me.  I don’t want to have deadlines or standards to enforce.  I don’t want to be pressured to have something done or else…

I do want a job that gives me satisfaction at the end of the day.  There has to be a tangible product from what I do.  I like to freely express myself by either writing or creating pieces of art or furniture.  I feel like I have been creatively restricted for years.  I love to create things out of nothing.

It seems the more I think about it the more I want to be either an artist of some type or a writer.  Of course, this is just random thoughts, not sure how valid all this is.  Good quote here-

Somewhere in the educational scheme there must be encouragement for the dreams and imaginings of youth. The student must be permitted emotional expression in order that he may be taught to discipline his emotions. His shy fancies must be drawn out of him for the good of his soul.